Going into college, I was against the idea of forcing my beliefs on someone else. However, God has changed my heart through Spirit-filled conversations, messages, and Cru events (retreats, conferences, spring break trip, and now summer project), and I've learned the absolute importance and need for God in this world. Telling people about God's love for us is not, I've come to learn, pushing my beliefs on them, but rather presenting them with a choice they may not have been faced with before. If I truly believe that God saved us by sending His son to the cross, then telling others is an absolute act of love.
Every time I go out to share my faith, I am humbled. My abilities and knowledge are reduced to nothing no matter how equipped and learned I feel going into a conversation. The Lord has been pulling on my heart for so long to give up any sense of control I think I have of my life, so that He can "take the wheel" (as Carrie would say) and steer me down a glorifying path. I've seen people respond well to the Gospel and not so well. However, I still find myself waiting to have my own awesome story of God using me to lead someone to the point of accepting Christ into his/her life.
It is this waiting that continually leaves me feeling disappointed and useless when I don't see great responses or I feel left out of the equation. I experienced these thoughts all throughout the past week as I faced person after person that I could not communicate with, no matter how much I wanted to, because of the language barrier (I don't speak any Spanish). In this time I have been experiencing spiritual warfare and have found myself discounting not only my abilities, but God's. If I say I believe that God is greater than all things, then how do I have any right to claim that He is not working through me right now?
Today has involved much needed humbling and wisdom at our team's weekly training. This week's topic was about living filled with the Holy Spirit. God comforted me through His Word:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."
Habakkuk 3:17-18
I should not expect to see results, because all joy will be experienced in Heaven. I should not expect growth from my labor. I must praise Him because He works for the good of those who love Him and seeks relationships with us all. God does not work according to what I can do, but by His grace--which is so much larger and greater than I can even fathom in my life. He has brought me on this journey for a purpose, and I pray that He gives me the courage and wisdom to fulfill that purpose without expectations of reward. I am ending this day and going back to ESPOL tomorrow encouraged and excited for whatever the Lord has planned for me next. I pray that He will use me and that I will glorify Him, no matter what that looks like.
Continued prayers are welcomed and needed! Thanks for holding tight during this one. I needed some reflection time, and perhaps this verse will encourage someone out there experiencing the same conflict.
Ashley
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